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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Clockwork Scarecrow's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
10:30 am
Friday, May 5th, 2006
2:07 pm

The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition


A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

VADER: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

LUKE: He told me enough--he told me you killed him!

VADER: No... I am your father!

LUKE: No! That's not true! That's impossible!!

VADER: Search your feelings--you know it to be true!


VADER: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

LUKE: Threepio?

VADER: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

LUKE: No...

VADER: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

LUKE: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

VADER: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

LUKE: Well, it's not my fault...

VADER: Oh, here we go... 'Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith... waahhh wahhh!'

LUKE: Shut up...

VADER: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

LUKE: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon...

VADER: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer--right here, baby!

{LUKE looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.}

VADER: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

{LUKE takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.}

{VADER looks after him.}

VADER: And get a haircut!
Thursday, April 13th, 2006
12:11 pm
It's been awhile.

I got laid off in October from my modeling job. I picked up a couple web development gigs. Right now I'm doing PHP programming in the MIS department of an Austin company.

I laughed, I cried, I got three dogs.
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
8:48 am
Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
9:08 am
Monday, August 29th, 2005
10:19 am
Why I don't drink Dasani
I don't remember all of the specifics, but what I do remember is how it happened, ok?

I was in a friend's car. I don't remember when or why, but I was. He had bought some drinking water at a gas station and gave me one. I opened up a bottle of Dasani drinking water. It was cold, and it was one of those dark blue bottles. The plastic was textured. I later realized that it was textured to look like water rapids. My first reaction to it was visceral. First my hand felt it. Expecting a smooth surface, my mind recoiled at its texture. It felt all wrinkled under the skin of my hand. This is what making love to a burn victim must feel like leapt to the forefront of my thoughts. I looked down at the rutilated container, so cold. And wet, a mingling of its condensation and my hand's own sweat. I felt strangely used. "This was not supposed to happen," I thought, and I felt a sense of rising frustration, rising, rising displaced from this inexplicably awkward moment of my life. Every poorly planned sexual experience that I later regretted returned from their dark corners and sad low places. I had the feeling of being watched, but from the inside. The shadowed empty sockets of my regrets stared up, pleading to be set free. And I felt that familiar feeling once again. Wanting to fly away and get away from my regret. "Fly away, fly away," I mumbled aloud. My friend pretended not to hear me. I like that about him. He isn't a voyeur to other people's awkwardness. He is boundlessly generous with human dignity.
Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
12:38 pm
Friday, May 6th, 2005
8:46 am
end of the road
Last night I had a dream that I was at a book signing. The author was my Italian teacher from college. She and everybody else there were speaking in Italian fluently. I was picking up bits and pieces of it. When she talked to me, she spoke even faster and I didn't get any of it. She took out an English/Italian dictionary of verbs and phrases and pointed at an entry. Its translation was "end of the road." She gave me a hard stare.

Current Mood: unnerved
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
2:37 pm
Curse you O(N2) execution time!

I curse you!!!
Monday, April 11th, 2005
3:54 pm
getting rid of household pests
A few days ago, I was asked a question quite by accident about dealing with household gnomes. By accident I mean that I misheard the question, but that is besides the point, because my advice was worth heeding.

The first thing to do when dealing with household gnome infestations is to seal the entrances to your home.
  • Caulk can be purchased inexpensively at any Lowe's or Home Depot, and is used to best effect on window frames.
  • For doors which you use regularly, three layers of duct tape are a manageable and reusable solution.
  • Don't forget the faucets! Secure all drains with stoppers that either lock or screw into place.
  • Cover and lock the air exhaust valve for your clothes dryer when it is not in use.
    Caution! It is not safe to cover your home's methane release lines that are attached to your indoor plumbing. Use a filter instead.
  • Leave the bathroom ceiling vent fans turned on at all times to dissuade any uninvited guests from using this entry avenue.

The other major tool is prevention. To avoid attracting gnomes, do not maintain extra stores of the following household items:
  • Sugar
  • Spice
  • Anything nice
  • Bubbles
  • Cotton Candy
  • Technical journals
  • Dollhouses

With these simple steps in hand, you are well on your way to preventing gnome infestation in your home.

3:50 pm
Monday, March 14th, 2005
12:26 pm
new icon
stolen from aliasrob

Current Mood: amused
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
3:36 pm
Guess the word from the New Heritage Dictionary that has the following definition:
"a system of government that exercises a dictatorship of the extreme right, typically through the merging of state and business leadership together with belligerent nationalism."

Give up?
Monday, January 10th, 2005
3:11 pm
All the streetlights flash red late night
Red strobe and did the world jump or did I just stop
STOP red light. And it just... I saw it!
It slowed down. Stacatto warning, flashing,
spelling out the word P-A-R-A-N-O-I-A for everybody to hear.

And after ten seconds rumble idling on the wet street
With nobody there and everybody here
Ten seconds, that is GOOD ENOUGH, that qualifies
As a complete stop.

Go just go, nobody is watching you nobody hates you
Once you aren't around then they just forget you.
Clutch IN, stick First, gas Down, my Father:
You stalled the engine, try again, again, again...

And I lug the clutch.
It's always so heavy. The third grade report card,
Carrying bad news home on my back
Get out of here more more gas and Second!
Gas and Third! Get it behind you! It shouldn't bother
you that was a long time ago, gas and Fourth.
Monday, December 20th, 2004
3:52 pm
Saturday, November 13th, 2004
4:35 pm
Education or Indoctrination? After-school mashed potato / bus driving activities examined
Controversy arises over mashed potato/bus driving educational programs in after-school care. Is it education or indoctrination?

While a positive correlation has been identified between alternative lifestyles and driving a bus and eating mashed potatoes, a causal relationship has not been identified.

Friday, November 12th, 2004
6:12 pm
studies conclusively show: bus drivers LOVE mashed potatoes!
Studies have conclusively shown a positive correlation linking bus drivers with a love of mashed potatoes. Any thoughts on this emerging social trend?

Controlling the study for the influence of the workplace, bus drivers were shown to enjoy potato salad as much, or even more, while not driving busses:

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
11:17 am
I am enraged and disgusted with 51% of my fellow Americans.

I hate Bush, but most of all, if you, dear reader, voted for the bastard, then I hate YOU.
How could you do this to my country? How could you do this to our fellow human beings of other nations who live in this world with us? Your vision of American global power, Pax Americana as the neo-conservatives call it, is immoral and flawed.

I know quite a few Republican loyalists. I live in Texas. The guy who fixes my car and always deals me straight is a Republican. A childhood friend's husband is a Republican, and now so is my childhood friend. I don't know about my mechanic, but I do know that my friend and her husband are Republican but do NOT support Bush.

My point about my mechanic is that most of the 51% of this country is people with some redeeming qualities. Well, you know what? I don't give a crap about those redeeming qualities if you are ruining my country! Rot!

My wife has suggested that we expatriate. I must admit feeling confused by loving my country and not loving the majority of the people in it.

Current Mood: take a wild guess
Monday, October 11th, 2004
3:40 pm
funny tech support rant
This tech support rant amuses me. It comes from http://www.sixsixfive.com/

I Get Irritated

There are many kinds of people I feel we would all be better off without. Today I would like to tell you about two of them. [type 2 omitted. ed.]

1. Using Your Name Every Five Fu**ing Seconds Guy. Perhaps, Dear Reader, you have had a few phone conversations with this co******er. Tends to be an older guy. Often is selling something. Now, I work phone support, so I get calls all day (well, not all day, but you know), and as such I talk to this guy often. He's different people sometimes, but there is always the same habit that marks him as Using Your Name Every Five Fu**ing Seconds Guy. For starters, and probably the most important - he uses your name every five fu**ing seconds. And more often than not, the conversation is normal in every respect but that one. But there it is, and you don't really want to say "ALL RIGHT I KNOW WHAT MY Fu**ING NAME IS," but on the other hand you wince every time you hear your name. At least I do. For example, the other day a call went kind of like this:

Me: So you're having trouble connecting?

Him: Yes. What was your name again?

Me: Jeff.

Him: Well, Jeff, the problem that I'm having is that whenever I connect, I get an error 629 which is all I remember at the moment. I think it said, Jeff, that I was disconnected but I'm not sure. Do you know how to fix that, Jeff?

Me: Uh, yeah. Are you in front of your computer right now?

Him: Yes I am, Jeff.

Me: Uh, okay. Double click on My Computer...

Him: I've done that, Jeff.

And so on. The conversation went pretty much like that, and it was absolutely mind-shredding, because it wound up being like Chinese water torture. I wanted to strangle him every time I heard my name, which was pretty fu**ing often. And so, Dear Reader, I urge you to not be Using Your Name Every Five Fu**ing Seconds Guy. If people hate you, this might be why.
Friday, October 8th, 2004
5:13 pm
today's waste of cyberspace
You can find out what your favorite stars might look like bald* at:

(*) - This journal is not associated with baldstars.finestars.com and takes no responsibility for their disturbing web content.
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